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Home > Jokes > Food Jokes > Studying the twinkies

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Rated: 0.00/10 | Votes: 1 | Views: 216 |Submitted: 09/25/2003


In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and

unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess

snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an

inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across

the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons,

avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and

prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color

and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially

dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the

consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained

its advertised "creaminess"

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for

precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20

seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma

of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the

acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2

minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top

of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this

Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike

filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed

only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately

120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The

expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only

discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside;

otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon

removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical

properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the

approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the

mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was

noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie

smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled,

the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same

"burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.

Immersion

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie

floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow

tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble

artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially.

Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow,

urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched,

and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased

roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque,

and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the

"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further

analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie

disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor

was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the

unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial

coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally

categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required

before any definite conclusions can be drawn.


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