The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has
been putting that information in a vast database. The information
is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization
to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which
reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, ". . . clearly shows
a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice
stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are
involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for
the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same
sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI
on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records
do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes
on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and
local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.
Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from
around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be
taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of
children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of
the United States or any country which the United States currently has an
extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it
is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will
discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending
charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
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